See How I Make This About Me Page 10x Better With a Few Easy Edits
Copywriting
See How I Make This About Me Page 10x Better With a Few Easy Edits
About Me pages intimidate a lot of people. That's normal, babe. It's hard to write about yourself. If you want to follow a formula to help you get your own page started, check out "How to Write Your About Me Page When You Hate It." And read on for tips on how to edit an About Me page rough draft to make it harder, better, faster, stronger.Posts may contain affiliate links to products or services I personally use and believe are valuable for people reading my site. These links help provide revenue to run my site at no extra cost to you. You can learn more by reading my disclaimer.Earlier this week, one of my friends from my local Women’s Entrepreneur Circle shared her latest About Me page in our private group and asked for feedback. Ashley is building a consumer packaged goods brand, Saffron & Salt, that specializes in unique condiments, and its flagship product is candied jalapeños. (Her site is a self-proclaimed work-in-progress, but I wanted to link to it and she agreed.)I’m not a huge jalapeño fan in general – I like them, but in moderation because I have a wEaK toNGue – and even I have three jars of candied jalapeños sitting in my kitchen right now. They’re sweet, tangy, salty, a little spicy (but not as spicy as you'd think); they go great on deviled eggs, in egg salad, on nachos, on hot dogs… I’m a believer. And my girl doesn’t even officially sell them yet. (Hats off to anyone developing a food product to sell, the hoops you have to jump through are bonkers.)
Getting Control Freaky
So, being a Saffron & Salt Brand Advocate and a career copywriter, I couldn’t just give feedback. I opened up a fresh doc to edit an About Me page, the whole damn thing, crossing my fingers that I wouldn’t be overstepping (I didn’t) and that she would love the result (she did). 
With her permission, I’m going to share a side by side comparison of the before and after of how to edit an About Me page. I'll walk you through the edits I made, why I made them, and how you can apply similar copywriting techniques to make your own About Me page sparkle like a new wave vampire.
all good writing is re-writing
Just a quick reminder that ALL good writing happens in stages. Even award-winning novelists agree that first drafts are almost always crappy, and that editing is where the magic happens. Judy Blume said, “The first draft is a skeleton….just bare bones. The rest of the story comes later with revising.” Are you going to hold yourself to a higher standard than Judy Blume? Go easy on yourself. Here's a side-by-side comparison of the complete original and my revision (which spilled onto a second page, not shown).
We're going to go through both of these documents line-by-line below. She posted the text to Facebook and I put it in a Google Doc, so I can't comment on her original formatting, but in general it's a good idea to break paragraphs down into small, readable chunks. (Most online readers just skim.)
Creating a strong Opening for your about me page
Original
Hi, I’m Ashley. This is me. (insert photo of me here). I am owner, operator, chief, founder, creator, HBIC, chief, cook and captain of Saffron and Salt. A company owned by one woman, you name it I am doing it, and I could not be any happier!
Revised
I’m Ashley Priest, the owner of Saffron and Salt. My mission is to create unique condiments that draw on nostalgia to create innovative products that bring unexpected flavors to everyday meals.
Editor's Notes
Ashley was going for a bit of humor when she wrote, “Hi, I’m Ashley. This is me.” And I love humor! But in the next section, she talks about her love for her grandma and the work ethic she instilled in Ashley – so I advised her to keep this page more heartwarming and weave humor into her product descriptions. I’ve clarified her mission statement as well, which should be brief and straight to the point. You can always say more about this later, but people should know what you’re about right away.
Original
I started Saffron and Salt as an homage to my grandmother.
Revised
Saffron and Salt was founded in honor of my Grandma Margret.
Editor's Notes
I started the sentence with her brand name to solidify its presence in people’s minds. What follows is a story about Ashley, but the brand is the reason people are here in the first place. So her personal story becomes the origin story of the company – its creation myth.I also got rid of the word "homage." When you edit an About Me page, write in a more plain-spoken style in order to create writing that's accessible to a wider range of readers.
illustrate your About Me page with a vivid story
Original
Her and my grandfather would have these elaborate gardens every summer and would sell their produce in a roadside stand.
Revised
She and my Grandpa Francis loved planning and attending to elaborate gardens every summer, where they would grow produce to sell at their roadside stand.
Editor's Notes
I’ve kept the sentence starting off with “she” because we just mentioned Grandma Margret and she’s the hero of this story. And it should be “she” instead of “her” because if you take Grandpa Francis out, it should read “She loved planning” or “She would have” and not “Her would have.” That’s an easy trick to use if you’re ever not sure - take out the words in between the subject and the verb and read it to see if the pronoun aligns with the action. I’ve also added their names in to personalize the story and make readers feel kinship for these family members. And I’ve replaced “would have these gardens” with “loved planning elaborate gardens” because the former gives more illustration to the story, making it richer and easier to visualize.
show, don't tell: use details to paint a picture in your about me page
Original
My grandfather would sit in the shade and sell to the people driving by looking for home grown fruits and vegetables. Meanwhile my grandmother would be slaving away either in the garden or in the kitchen canning for the winter.
Revised
Grandpa Francis loved to sit in the shade at the roadside stand, making friends with strangers and showing off the best of their homegrown fruits and vegetables. Meanwhile, Grandma Margret would be elbow-deep in dirt in the garden or sweating over a hot stove in the kitchen, canning their bounty for the winter months.
Editor's Notes
Oh man, here comes Grandpa Francis. From her brief description, I took an educated guess that he enjoyed chatting with people. Why else would you sit out by a roadside stand all day? I grew up in the country where roadside produce stands were common – most of the time there would be a lock box where you dropped your money in (honor system), and took what you wanted. So Grandpa Francis must’ve really enjoyed chatting with the people who stopped by intermittently, because that’s a lot of waiting around between customers. I added some details for Grandma Margret, too. I can picture her working her tail off in the garden and the kitchen while Grandpa Francis relaxes in an old folding chair under the shade of some ancient oak tree. Can’t you? I also removed the words “slaving away” because they’re both incredibly loaded and problematic, and they tell instead of show. By which I mean, they don’t paint a clear picture - they rely on a cliche turn of phrase to convey something instead of letting people visualize it. When you edit an About Me page, look for ways to create vivid imagery instead of summarizing what happened.
specificity equals relatability
Original
Every summer my mom would drag myself and my siblings to my grandparents and make us help in the garden and with canning. It was hot and miserable and the only part I really loved was the ice cream with fresh picked raspberries at the end. My mother thought it was good character building, and as much as I hate to say it she was right.
Revised
Every year, my mom would drag my siblings and I to grandma’s house to help with the gardening and canning. She thought it would build good character, and I think she was right–there’s no greater test of fortitude than standing over a steaming canning bath in late August in a house with no air conditioning. The thing I looked forward to the most was being done, when my grandma would serve up cold, refreshing ice cream with raspberries picked fresh that day.
Editor's Notes
Building on the vivid story I’ve started telling, I dig into this section a little deeper as well. I swapped out “every summer” for “every year,” choosing instead to show what summer represents more vividly below – the steaming canning bath, that particular late August heat that feels overwhelming. I took another educated guess that Grandma Margret and Grandpa Francis wouldn’t have AC – hell, here in Michigan, my husband and I didn’t have AC until the summer of 2017. And back in the late 80s/early 90s when this story takes place, it would’ve been less common to need it. I’ve also expounded on what “good character building” means – doing labor in the garden and the kitchen requires patience, persistence, physical discomfort and endurance. I’ve summed it all up with the word “fortitude,” which means “Strength of mind that allows one to endure pain or adversity with courage.” It’s also an old-timey word that ties in nicely with the values someone like Grandma Margret probably would’ve held. (No use complaining, we’ll be done faster if you just do it.)Adding the detail about the fresh-picked raspberries being picked that day just further lends to the fable of Grandma Margret and evokes a sense of nostalgia or longing for the simple life we all led as children. Fresh picked raspberries still sound like a luxury.It's paradoxical, but being more specific makes stories more relatable than being more general. As you edit an About Me page, lean into those details.
Use Contrast to create tension
Original
When I look back at my childhood I see how important those grueling summers were for the winter. I love cooking and I love everything food related. This love of food and sense of tradition has been the foundation and inspiration for Saffron and Salt.
Revised
Despite the physical discomfort of a mass canning operation, when I look back on those memories now, it just makes me appreciate my Grandma Margret so much more. She instilled in me a love of homegrown produce and an appreciation for the kinds of recipes passed down from generation to generation.
Editor's Notes
We’re wrapping the story up now and transitioning back to how it all helped build Ashley’s brand. I used the phrase “despite the physical discomfort” to help add some tension to that sentence. We already know how hot it was standing over a steaming water bath, but now we’re using that detail to show how much those memories mean to Ashley. Despite the physical discomfort, her love for her grandma supersedes it all. That helps tie into the big “why”: why does this brand exist? Because Grandma Margret was such an incredible woman, Ashley is honoring her memory by sharing the kinds of foods she used to make.
Speak to customer benefits on your about me page
Original
Saffron and Salt’s mission is to create unique condiments that combine the reminiscence of the past with the innovation of the future. Here at Saffron and Salt I want each and every customer to experience my condiments and become a part of my family, just without the work. I hope that everyone will see condiments the way I see them, taking the history of canning and growing in a garden and making it something new and inventive for the future.
Revised
Love of food and a sense of tradition is the foundation and inspiration for Saffron and Salt. I want each and every customer to experience the flavors of our condiments and partake in my family traditions – minus the labor. Our signature Candied Jalapeños are inspired by Grandma Margret and a recipe she held dear. So sharing them with the world is my way of honoring her and the lessons she taught me for years to come.
Editor's Notes
Now we’re getting into what the brand has to offer other people. I borrowed some of this language for the mission statement in the opening paragraph, which is where it belongs. But down here, as we transition from story to brand purpose, a lot of this context makes sense.I led with love of food and tradition as the pillars behind Saffron and Salt, something everyone can relate to.Ashley said she wants everyone to feel like part of the family. We accomplished a lot of that by fleshing out Grandma Margret and Grandpa Francis above so vividly that you can picture yourself in the room with them. The next logical step is to taste these candied jalapeños to see just why Grandma Margret was working so hard. Candied Jalapeños is capitalized in this section because it refers to the product name specifically, but when we refer to a food generally, it’s lowercase.
Wrap up an About Me page with a call to action
Original
I hope you try my signature product Candied Jalapenos and enjoy them as much as I do on eggs, sandwiches, or in your winter chili. You can find Saffron and Salt products at your local farmer’s market, local retailers across Southeast Michigan, and online.
Revised
You can find Saffron and Salt products at [SPECIFIC] farmer’s market, local retailers across Southeast Michigan and online. Try them on your morning eggs, in sandwiches, or stirred into your favorite chili recipe. We’d also love to hear about the creative ways you’re using our products, so email us at [xxx@email.com] and share your signature recipes.
Editor's Notes
Because Saffron and Salt is a brand new company, saying the products will be available at “local farmer’s markets” is incorrect. We have to assume that people from all over the country could stumble upon this website and read this page, so I recommend naming the specific farmer’s markets she’ll be at. Once her distribution is up and running, I would recommend adding a Retailers page to the site so people who live in Southeast Michigan can track them down in local grocery stores. I’ve also moved the suggested uses for the product down to the end, and coupled it with a request for customer replies. Because her company is so small, this is something she can offer that larger companies can’t – the ability to make people feel like their opinions on the product are valuable and like their input might be meaningful to the owner. This ties back into the concept of marketing funnels a bit – specifically, Stage 6: Retention. How do you get customers coming back for more? One way is to make them feel invested in the future of their brand by building personal relationships with customers when you’re small. Soliciting customer feedback and responding personally with an email is a great way to make customers feel seen and valued, especially when you don’t have the money or firepower behind your brand to ramp up production and distribution quickly. Word of mouth will be your best friend here, and there’s no better way to get people recommending your products than by making them feel invested in the company.
about me page takeaways:
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State your mission in the first paragraph of your About Me page.
I’m X and I’m here to do Y. The simpler you can keep it, the more it will stick with people. You’ll add more detail later on, so be ruthless in cutting this down as much as possible. “I’m Ashley Priest, the owner of Saffron and Salt. My mission is to create unique condiments that draw on nostalgia to create innovative products that bring unexpected flavors to everyday meals.”If I’m being honest, I could cut this down even more, to something like “My mission is to create innovative condiments that bring unexpected flavors to everyday meals.” You want it to be short because you want people to be able to describe and share your values with their friends, quickly and without searching for the right words.
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Telling a specific story will stick with people more than describing what things were like.
Don’t tell us it was hot in Grandma Margret’s house, show us the steam coming off the canning bath and let us picture the relief of a big scoop of ice cream at the end of it.
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Build tension through comparison.
Grandma Margret’s industry is more impressive when contrasted with the image of Grandpa Francis sitting out by the roadside stand, laughing with strangers. The grueling work of canning is worth it when it’s contrasted with the way Ashley’s brand honors that “character-building” by creating products inspired by Grandma Margret.Painting a picture of the negative things can help give the positive things more impact. It’s the same way you’d root harder for the last person to cross a finish line, panting and limping than for the first person to cross it, looking fresh and fit. We love an underdog story, and we love seeing someone turn something hard into something wonderful.
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Share your why prominently on your About Me page.
Maybe you’ve seen that notorious Simon Sinek quote, “People don’t buy what you do, they buy why you do it.” People connect to your why because it’s human. We want to care about people. And when we relate to the reasons behind someone’s actions, we feel more compelled to support them.Have you ever bought a $5 candy bar from a kid doing a school fundraiser? You don’t do it because the chocolate is worth $5. You do it because the marching band needs new uniforms or because the girl’s tennis team needs lodging to compete in the state finals. Through the strength of that why, paying $5 for a standard candy bar makes perfect sense.
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Give people an action to take when they’re done reading your About Me page.
In this case, pointing to the products they can buy online and giving them the option to email Ashley with their comments. You never want to leave people hanging at the bottom of a page. You should always point them toward the next thing they can do on your site, whether it’s looking at products, reading blogs, taking a quiz or signing up for a free download.
What do you think, friends? Was it helpful to take a peek behind the curtain and see a writer work in real time? Are there tips you learned here that you’re going to use on your own site? Let me know by dropping a comment down below – I read and reply to them all.Like this post?Save it to Pinterest!
